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I find myself reflecting on her season as my stepmom often. What did my stepmom do that made me feel so unconditionally loved growing up?

What exactly did she do that made her such a positive role model in my life? How can I imitate and emulate her in my role as stepmom? She sang, all the time.

She lived a genuinely happy life; it took a lot of effort to be in a bad mood around her. Despite the financial struggles , the custody battles , and the cancer — no matter WHAT life threw at her, she was always positive and happy.

The lessons we teach our stepchildren, no matter how large or small, will stick with them into adulthood. If there was any co-parenting happening throughout my childhood, it was because of those two ladies.

They put differences aside and put my well-being first. My stepmom Michelle taught me a different side of security.

Even though she only saw me during the summer and some school holidays, she told me things like that which have stuck with me, to this day. It was snide and hearsay from my bitter dad, and it made me think less of her for telling me the bit of gossip.

And when I do, you should assume I already know the answer. I thought I needed to be all things to all people, and I was put last on the priority list every single time, and it was exhausting.

But one day, my stepmom friend gave it to me straight. She told me I'm not showing up best for my family because I'm not re-energizing and resetting myself first.

Expressing my needs and taking time for just me to relax, to go out with my girlfriends, or to indulge in a guilty pleasure, isn't selfish.

It's actually critical for my family. Another valuable stepmom lesson I learned from a friend is that it's okay to take up space.

Let your opinions be heard, voice your boundaries, and take. And while we're at it, stop feeling guilty for taking up space. You're just as much a part of your family as your stepchild, so stop feeling guilty for letting your voice be heard.

When divorce with children occurs, it's common for emotions to run high. One parent hurt the other with the divorce usually , and it's hard to separate that anger from the marriage and subsequent divorce, from the new situation you find yourself in co-parenting and raising your child in two homes.

It's just as important for the new stepparent as it is for the biological parent in this situation to love the children more than they hate the ex.

Don't let your resentment, disgust, or judgment keep you from putting the children first in your co-parenting priorities.

Don't use the child as a pawn, a messenger, or a confidant. It will only end badly. I truly had no clue what I was getting into when I started dating a man with kids.

When I realized there was no one single or "right" way to stepparent, my mind was blown. I eventually began to feel comfortable in a fluid role in my family where sometimes I'm really involved and some days I'm far more disengaged.

Allowing flexibility in my role has helped me maintain my sanity and helped keep the peace in our family; it helps me to avoid crossing my husband's or stepdaughter's boundaries.

In case you haven't discovered this yet, there is such thing as a high-conflict stepmom , and sometimes bio mom isn't actually high-conflict. Sometimes, it's the stepmom who is the real problem.

I've been guilty of fueling the fire and encouraging my husband in negative thoughts, comments, and actions. But instead of fueling the fire, I need to be like water and work to diffuse the negativity.

Adding to the situation isn't helping anyone. It may make you feel better for a moment, but the consequences are far worse.

I am far more resilient, fearless, generous, and loving than I ever knew I was capable of. And so are you, friend. It takes a courageous heart and a strong will to stepparent, but you'll exceed even your own expectations of what you're capable of.

I have learned countless stepmom lessons, and these are just a few of the most valuable. I'm confident I'll continue to learn and grow throughout this stepmom journey, and I'm grateful for the opportunity for additional perspective and strength.

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It worked, obviously. Parenting ninja skills. My stepmom helped me through arguments with friends, breakups, and those confusing, complex teenage years.

She was a neutral third party: parent enough that you definitely listened to her and trusted her advice but friend enough that you confided a little more than you would with your biological parents.

Looking back, I see how much she transformed my character and personality. She pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me a better person.

Michelle loved me like her own. She beat all of the odds, including 2 separate 6-month cancer prognoses.

We are role models, whether we realize it or not — AND whether our stepkids will ever admit it or not. Be the person you want them to look up to.

I still remember the hand-painted sweatshirts she made for my baby sister and me. Except that I would be caught dead wearing something just like it, posing with my own stepdaughter.

Throughout the battles when you wonder if life would be better for them without you in it, I speak from experience when I tell you it would not.

Michelle was my stepmom for 10 years, and today marks 10 years without her. She has made an everlasting impact on the woman I am today — on the stepmother I am today.

PS: Read more about the unique role the stepmom plays here. Hey there! My husband, year-old stepdaughter, and I live in northern Dallas with our two loud cats, Chalupa and Zoey.

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